screaming
I can scream with you.
Now, I can die over here;
and this is a time of desire
for never have I felt such a pull.
And I can scream with you,
always gone and never found.
Lost for once without fear;
forever shall I think of you
And I can die over here.
The future known to leave no doubt,
for life has shown me that there's more -
and I can scream with you.
Once this phase is over,
and I can scream with you -
I'll never know the other path.
Just take a chance and jump in first.
Confusion is the death of me
and I will never learn /
To scream with you is just a thought,
because screaming never works.
Now, I can die over here;
and this is a time of desire
for never have I felt such a pull.
And I can scream with you,
always gone and never found.
Lost for once without fear;
forever shall I think of you
And I can die over here.
The future known to leave no doubt,
for life has shown me that there's more -
and I can scream with you.
Once this phase is over,
and I can scream with you -
I'll never know the other path.
Just take a chance and jump in first.
Confusion is the death of me
and I will never learn /
To scream with you is just a thought,
because screaming never works.
posted by Kate at 6:19 p.m.
1 Comments:
This is definitely my favourite poem of yours.
I like that you're experimenting with no rhyme. Rhyme is awesome, but is sometimes limiting. I also like the varying stops and enjambments.
My suggestion would be to tighten each line to put the poem into a metric pattern.
Most of your lines are close to iambic octometer (that is, 4 "feet" per line, each foot having 2 syllables, and the emphasis being on the second one, eg. "And I can SCREAM with YOU" etc.)
Or you could try syllabic metric, having the same amount of syllables in every line but with the emphasis wherever you want.
Either would tighten the structure, some words feel "extra."
But overall, I'm convinced. This is growth in a GREAT direction.
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